March 23, 2021

Written by Sarah Jenkins, MSW

Countless people come to see me for therapy for help with their anxiety or seemingly uncontrollable anger. Many times, this stems from a deeper need for perfectionism, or the tendency to control most aspects of their lives. The more you try to control, the more you feel like you are losing control. 

Perfectionism is the need to be the best in everything you do, paradoxically never feeling like you really are the best, and the accompanying anxiety that comes with this mindset. This desire to control your external environment also applies inwardly with the need to control how you feel, to control how others feel, or control how other people perceive you. This usually stems from a deeply held belief no matter how hard you work, or how many accomplishments you receive, you are never good enough.

Often, I see how these beliefs developed in childhood. Adults who struggle with perfectionism might be children of alcoholics, or  maybe grew up in a household with abuse or neglect, single parent households or enmeshed families where the child was unable to grow up with their own identity. As a child, maybe you had to take on parental responsibilities from a young age. Or maybe you took on the role of the parent to console an emotionally unstable parent, protect the parent’s feelings, or take on caregiver roles, such as helping with the bills, taking care of siblings, and helping to mitigate the stress of the household. The term used to described these children is “parentified children.”

What this does is slowly, and unconsciously, teach you that your opinions are not important, you and your feelings are less important than everyone else, and you may have a hard time understanding what you feel or expressing emotions. You may have difficulty setting healthy boundaries. Or that you are responsible for the feelings of others. If you attempt to express yourself and receive messages that you are wrong, you should not feel the way you do, you should not feel sad, you should stop crying, or you are bad for feeling angry, etc., you learn your emotions are all wrong and cannot be trusted. 

Continually, these messages create a chaotic inner world of emotional turmoil, where every emotion you feel sparks shame, making it difficult to understand what it is you really feel and who you really are. This might lead you to believe you cannot trust yourself, and no matter how hard you work, you are simply never good enough.

People are highly resilient, so to lessen these uncomfortable feelings, you get comfort in controlling your external environment. You might do well in your career, school, art, or sports, and might be a high achieving adult. The downside to this is the anxiety that stems from losing control and the anger that bubbles up when life does not go as planned, as it seldom does.

Therapy helps by unraveling core beliefs to learn which beliefs are yours and which beliefs are not yours. Therapy helps you to let go of beliefs that are no longer serving you and develop healthier, more effective belief systems.

To quote M. Scott Peck, “Mental health is a commitment to reality at all costs.” Therapy helps to unravel false core beliefs to help accept reality for what it is, make sense of what you feel, understand who you are, and helps you to understand what it is you really do have control over, while letting go of the need to control the things you have no control over. 

Here is a great article on the roots of perfectionism and another great article called Irony of Emotional Acceptance to help give insight, tools, and a way to start understanding yourself.

Lastly, growth is a lifetime process. The first step is becoming aware there is a problem and seeking help to get you to where you want to be. If you are unhappy with your current situation, you should be unhappy. Your emotions are helpful communicators telling you that you are not okay and something needs to change. 

If you can relate, call 813-693-2019 for a free phone consult, or fill out the form below, to see if therapy might be beneficial for you.